Friday, April 13, 2007

Policemen jokes

Two policemen are going to work:
- Shall we take a bus or walk?
- Well, lets see what arrives first.

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:
- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.
The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.
- Boss I have a problem, the other pair of shoes at home are black and white, too.

- Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spot a hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- The stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don’t exist.

A policeman sent his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife.
- No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching us.
- You are right, lets go to the beach.
After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks in on them.
- Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public.
- You are right - said the husband - but I had a moment of weakness. We didn’t see each other for a week. By the way, I am a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.
- Don’t worry, you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay for it.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Sexuality jokes

a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer
whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks
doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued
shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained
that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At
the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed
him of his zipper.He decides to play into her unusual comment;
"excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full
attention?" The woman responded by saying " no, all i saw
was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential
and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says,
"I'll demonstrate. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million
dollars. Then
go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom,
if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone
gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've
figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks,
but in reality, we are living
with two sluts."

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters.
She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none,
she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw,
in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked
around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the
day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom
and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written
in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by
the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub
it, the bigger it
Relationship jokes

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about
what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney
called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me,
'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please
open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy
a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable
lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice
funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods
for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom
and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would
you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some
aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed
and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist,
"aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.


A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible.
The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if
there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop
and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on.
The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The
hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need
to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these
headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as
she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally
bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down
to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was
very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what
she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you."

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted
a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The
shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed
for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then,
he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes
aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the
swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator
on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any
shoes either!"